I can still remember the first day that I met you.  You were in middle school and I was in high school and you came into the band room while I was practicing early morning and you came up to me.  It’s pretty funny because even then I was like a girl not introducing you myself first, instead you made the first move to meet me.  I remember how you looked back then, so pure, innocent, beautiful, an angel.  I also remember when we were at your pool and you thought I couldn’t swim and thought it’d be funny to pour water on me and then jump into the deep in.  Little did you know that I could swim and went right after you.  With that I remember coming over to your house for halloween and watching dawn of the dead and I wanted to sit next to you and I did.  Being nervous I wanted to hold your hand and then have my arm around you like how I did when we went to go watch the grudge, but you’re parents were right there and you know how scared I was and am of your parents.  From that past the one memory that really sticks out was when I kissed you for the first time.  When I came from chipotle to give you your present, parked across the street because your dad was home, walked over and you told your dad a friend came for a second and I interrupted you eating your ramyun.  I was so nervous to kiss you and I almost couldn’t do it.  But looking at you with your eyes closed, you really looked like an angel.

April 11, 2010.  We finally had our real chance at being together.  I was the happiest guy ever.  Who can say that they got the one girl that he couldn’t have in high school.  Even with the embarrassing harassment, teasing, name calling, and “bullying” I got throughout my senior year when I liked you, I didn’t care.  Even going through all that and still somewhat going through that even after we started to actually date, I still didn’t care.  It reminded me when I was a senior and all I cared about was you and only you.  I know that just saying that wasn’t much, especially the hardship we went through and I did absolutely nothing.  I am truly sorry.  I have nothing nor no one to blame, but myself.  

There is no one else I want to be with.  I’m always thinking about the times that I screwed up and it hurts.  There are so many things that I regret and wish I could change.  I also think about the times that I got hurt by you and wish things were different.  Through all the hurting I wish I was a better man to you.  Even with all those bad things in my head there are two things that I always think about and it brings a smile to my face.  The first is that I think about how happy we were when we first started dating and that those people that who we used to be were happy with each other.  The second always brings a smile to my face.  I remember what you looked like every time I kissed your nose, you would make this really cute squinty face and I loved it.  It makes me sad and mad that I let you go and it makes me even more mad that I burned down the bridge between you and me so that now there can not be ANYTHING between you and me.  I have no one to blame, but myself.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I regret doing it.  Always thinking why couldn’t I have been more patient, why this, why that, why not this, and why not that.  Every morning, every day, every night, I’m thinking of you, missing you, wondering what you’re doing, wondering if you’re thinking of me at all or if you completely forgot about me.  Every time I’m wishing that things were different and that things will be different between you and me.  I’m hoping that one day we can meet and be friends again.  Ultimately I would love to be with you again, to be that man you need me to be.  I know I have changed, but I threw any chances that I had to show down the drain.  It’s funny that I never thought someone could be in love with someone and grow feelings for them more and more everyday and you’re not even with them.  

All I can say is…

I’m so sorry.

It feels so nice to see your face

I could sit and stare while you play with your hair

Your smile takes my breath away

The sky is hurt and crying

The pine charms the fire and I think you should stay

We can’t separate like this

I believe the path for me i sjust coming around the long way

Through all those memories that have already past

I’m hurting myself and making myself cry without crying like I did

I wish that you can leave me without feeling the pain that I felt

Because I know that you’ll return to me one day

Because I am believing

I’ll be waiting because I can’t be without you

I believe because you were afraid that you’d hurt me

You couldnt even cry

I believe my flowing tears will return you to me

I keep thinking of your face and it’s making me cry

Without mrying like I did

I wish taht you can leave me without feeling the pain that I felt

Because I know that you’ll return to me one day

Because I am believing

I’ll be waiting because I can’t be without you

Before I knew you I didn’t know the world was so bright and wonderful

Although I’m just left with tears under the sky

I’ll still stay and wait here because the reason is you

Waiting will be happy enough with love as my only reason

I’ll wait even if I forget which was the day passes

I’ll be waiting because I can’t be without you

Because I can’t be without you…

I could fall in love with you,

In this dark so dense, we talk so soft,

The way young lovers do,

The days last sight turns to cool nights breeze,

And this love hangs this like these willow leaves,

I’ve hid myself away from this,

But your silhouette is the Judas kiss,

On a night like this I could fall in love,

I could fall in love with you.

Your kiss has never tasted so real everyday

I can see your face

It’s so clear

This hook was baited to know you existed

And I hope I was listed

Cause I’ve prayed to have

Someone like you in my life

I thank God that He told you

I’ve been waiting for this moment

To have you next to me to dance with

Under the moon and the stars

and open sky we should

Dance forever til we can’t stand

To stand on our feet

Cause we’re together and

You’re not just in my dreams

Before you I felt my life was drained dry

Broken like desert sand

Where there’s no ins and outs

no substainance, yeah

You’re like rushing water from oceans and seas

Refreshing my thirst in the sand

And you see your presence is

Evidence God is real

no need to sleep to feel

I’ve been waiting for this moment

To have you next to me to dance with

Under the moon and the stars

and open sky we should

Dance forever til we can’t stand

To stand on our feet

Cause we’re together and

You’re not just in my dreams

]]> http://hizzlej.wordpress.com/2008/09/28/waiting-chris-cendana/feed/ 0 hizzlej http://hizzlej.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/time/ http://hizzlej.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/time/#comments Mon, 15 Sep 2008 02:39:06 +0000 hizzlej http://hizzlej.wordpress.com/?p=8 ]]> could it be my time?

lets hope so

That turn out to be too good to be true

Against your better judgement, opened up your heart

‘Til you found the joke was on you

Looking out on the rest of our lives

If we’re gonna be together or apart

About the only way I know how to come

Is right straight from my heart.

I want you now,

I’ll show you how,

I can be the man you need me to be,

I’ve been around,

But now I’ve found,

That you’re the only one for me.

Say you’ll never fall again

You won’t subject to yourself to such pain,

If you give me half a chance I will

Never leave you standing out in the rain,

But if you think I could look you in your face and lie right

through my teeth

Then turn around and walk away

Cross my heart, girl I care for you and when I look into your eyes

I must say…

I need you now,

I’ll show you how,

I can be the man you need me to be,

I’ve been around,

But now I’ve found,

That you’re the only one for me,

I need you so,

I can’t let you go,

Gonna be all that I can be,

I want you now,

I always will,

Cause you’re the only one for me…

I was listening to this song on my way to work this morning and it struck me…

It’s funny how things work in the world…

The world teases you into things that you want and just as you reach to grab it, it pulls away…

And I know it’s sappy to write the lyrics from a sappy song, but I can honestly say that this is the way I feel…

You live and learn…

You move on…

Live the life you love…

Love the life you live…